While out walking one day a local pastor noticed a young boy trying unsuccessfully to reach the doorbell of a house. The pastor decided to be a Good Samaritan so he walked up behind the boy, put his hand on his shoulder, leaned over and firmly pushed the door bell. Crouching down to the boy’s level the pastor smiles warmly and asks, “Now what, young man?” The boy looked at him and said, “Now we run!” That is how I feel about today’s topic. I am going to post and run.
In recent weeks I have written about the Biblical requirement for forgiveness and I have found out that not everyone agrees with my views. Some didn’t forgive me for saying you have to forgive! I am going to violate the principle espoused by humorist Will Rogers who said that “when you are in a hole, quit digging.” Today I am going to suggest that we all need to examine ourselves to see if we are getting trapped in victimhood. Some of the following thoughts were also explored in my book Bring’em Back Alive (look for it in fine bargain bins everywhere).
Some of you were abused by pastors who should have restored but chose to condemn you (or worse). Some of you have been neglected by churchgoers who should have cared enough to seek you and return you to the flock. But we must also acknowledge (time to duck and cover) the real possibility that sometimes we choose to remain victims. I am not going to deny that we are often victims of sinful, selfish and hurtful acts from those in and around the church. One of my prayers and goals for this daily blog is that we honestly search our hearts and prayerfully evaluate if we have, in fact, made a decision to embrace woundedness.
It is an incredible waste of our spiritual potential to fixate on how things could or should have been different. It took me about forty-five years to figure out the following information that I am going to pass along to you (at no additional cost) for simply reading this post. Are you ready?
Things are not different.
We can usually make a case that would persuade any jury that our treatment by other Christians should have been different. We can obviously make a solid case from the wisdom and conviction of scripture that things would have been different if Christians applied His words consistently. And yet there remains the unflinching fact that things are not different. No amount of time spent dwelling on how another churchgoer hurt me or should have done something different changes my situation. But the most natural thing to do is to focus on those unexpected wounds.
Imagine if you were shot and rushed to the emergency room. Would you spend all of your time worrying about who shot you? Or do you think your first concern might be to survive? I am pretty sure my priority would be to seek help and healing. Who shot me would be the least of my worries at that point. After healing I can concern myself with the shooter and whether justice is done.
Still, when we are victims of a shot from other Christians (or people in the church) we do seem to dwell on the shooter, not the healer. This is another strategy of the enemy who knows that healing is available. The last place Satan wants us to visit is the emergency room of God’s grace. In the case of Christians the act of healing allows us to leave justice in the hands of God and takes us out of the process. That is exactly where I need to be.
All of us can acknowledge intellectually that the offending pastors or churchgoers will be held accountable for their actions before a Holy and righteous judge. But that is a difficult concept to embrace when you are hurting. And there is that other factor that we cannot forget. C.S. Lewis wrote that we tend to treat Satan one of two ways…we either take him too seriously or we ignore his influence altogether. In this case I am going to suggest that we need to be aware of one of Satan’s great strategies. And that tactic is to keep you and me firmly in the grip of victimhood. Eugene O’Neill wrote that “Man is born broke. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue.” Satan would have us forget that being broken is an integral part of God’s process and that God does, in fact, “mend us with His grace”. The Apostle Paul who begged for the removal of his affliction or thorn in the flesh came to an important realization.
“and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. 2 Cor. 12:9 (MsgB)
Paul’s insight is critical when he writes, “I quit focusing on the handicap.” Sadly, we often choose to stop at the point of being broken. And the point of resignation is often heartbreakingly just short of healing. Emotional and spiritual hurts seem to engender a response unlike any other wound. With physical hurts we immediately seek help to heal. With emotional and spiritual wounds it seems difficult to move past focusing on the injury.
My prayer is that each of us will make the choice to focus on the Healer and not the shooter. It is a choice I am having to make in my life right now. But the truth is that God’s grace is enough. His grace is all we need. Would you make a commitment to focus today on His amazing grace?
Hit post.
Run.
Julie
There is surely nothing that hurts worse for a Christian than a "church hurt". My husband and I were recently relocated to a different church by God. Our church had many unhealthy secular influences in it and we prayed for those influences to be removed for more than a year. It never dawned on us that God had plans for US to move, not the church. However, when we did approach our Pastor with our decision that we truly felt (and still feel) that this was God’s plan, his response and the consequential response of other members that he told about us shocked us. We were immediately shunned, gossiped about, and ostracized. We were hurt that he mentioned it to others before we had a chance to, and then we were shocked by the reponses of some of our fellow worshippers and friends. To make matters worse, the true reasons for us leaving were not told and many false reasons abounded! We finally just decided to give up and let people think what they want, because it was tremendously taxing on our family to constantly set the story straight. I can say with all certaintly as one who came from a broken home, this hurt from ones that supposedly love you was much worse and took much more healing than any hurt I suffered from a family member. But with God’s grace I did forgive. It took a lot, but my husband and I made up our minds to continue to love the ones that hurt us. And we are better people for it, for it not only helped us learn how to better forgive others who hurt us, including each other, it also gave us a powerful testimony for others to draw inspiration and strength from.
Jo
I do agree, reluctantly however.I really really want to agree with Dave Burchett but I do think we must be realistic at times.I am a spiritual person and believe in the promises of God.I have no problem forgiving anybody for anything on my own behalf I think I would have real problems if a pastor or anyone in a position of trust were to do something to hurt my husband, children(especially), mother, or father though.I think my husband would have a big problem with any pastor who ever hurt me or our children or used devices in our private spaces,listened in on our phone calls or read our email and he is the best most loving forgiving Christian humble man I have ever known.Gosh that would be hard to ever get over.Thats weird.
TIM
It is a choice…to forgive or not to forgive. If it were possible to get back what was taken, we would all rejoice for you.
If jobs were lost and someone was slandered and stalked after a pastor took bribes and left them vulnerable, that is terrible.
Someone from that church should reach out to the one who was so mistreated, but still, in the meantime you can choose to forgive for your own mental health. There are so many loving pastors who wouldn’t lie, cheat, or steal for anything, not ever.
Patty
Good word for today. Thanks for sharing. blessings. Patty
Jody
I hear what everyone is saying. I definitely feel as though I am experiencing a season of grief over feeling betrayed by those I trusted most. At first I felt anger because they refuse to apologize or even admit wrongdoing. My name is slandered among the youth group I used to work with, rumors that I’ve left the church to join a cult started by my husband! I laughed at the idiocy of it and then realized the implications associated with it. I was/ am deeply hurt. And I am not trying to rush through my emotions to "get over it," but I do intend to move on and to not lose hope. I think the best option for me is to work through the emotions, establish why I feel the way I do, understand that Jesus also was betrayed by those he was closest to, and to try to forgive as He did. He knows how I feel, and I am comforted in His strength. But I also struggle with every day human feelings that threaten to sabotage other areas of my life. Part of me never wants to step inside of a church again, but the rational side of me wants to start over elsewhere, though cautiously. It may take years before I can trust pastoral leadership again, but I am willing to try. I do feel that God has begun healing me. It’s just going to take time and my own willingness to heal.
no name
I cannot agree with the concept that Christian leaders are exempt from accountability or are in some way authorized to break laws, to damage lives and then say the victim must forgive, as a Christian, you must forgive.
The idea of Christians being victimized and told to forgive makes me sick.
I have heard and seen too much and I guess I am hard now. I don’t trust anyone anymore.
A pastor ought to help a family who asks for help. He shouldn’t take bribes and expect the victim to forgive.
no name
Mark, What if someone claims vengeance because of something you did and will not stop EVER?
What if your reputation suffers and you lose jobs and friends because of the slander and the anger of someone who thinks you did something to them?
What if they convince everyone they meet that you are a whore, liar, and a fraud?
What if they move into every area of your life, wiretap your phones, bug your home and cars, stalk you and spread rumors about you in your own neighborhood and church? What if you find out years later that your pastor knew about it all and looked the other way because of a bribe he took ten years earlier?
no name
If a person is shot literally with a real bullet you have to seek treatment and the wound can be healed in time. You can’t go around with a bullet in your head or chest. The memory of the pain fades. Our laws REQUIRE that the person who did the shooting face the consequences for the crime he committed against another human being. There is closure and this is good. The victim can talk about it and receive comfort from his family and friends.
If a person is shot figuratively and if the wound is not tended to in a timely and loving manner, or if the shots continue on without anyone acknowledging it is happening or if the very ones who the victim should be able to trust are a part of the abuses, the victim becomes sicker naturally. No one is held accountable, the victim is left to pick himself up by his bootstraps, grow up and stop complaining, forgive and forget, and there is no closure. HOW can this be good?
Christians, pastors, counselors, prayer group leaders should reach out to these hurting souls and help them find closure and justice.
WHY NOT?
Ed
Dave
Thank you for addressing such a difficult topic… and doing so with understanding. Unfortunately believers often respond with a get-over-it attitude that never identifies with the pain the person has gone through. Christ asks us to forgive but never to bury our feelings. I have found the hard way that often we replace Christ with other people, making them our Savior. That sets us, and them, up for inevitable failure.
However, the pain that comes from betrayal is very real, and is meant to shape and mold us – to make us more like Christ. If we did not experience the pain that comes from a breach of trust we would be unhealthy. Scripture is filled with stories of the pain of betrayal and how God used it for His ends in each life. Jesus Himself felt great pain in the garden the night before He died. We have a great High Priest who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses.
I believe for many of us the issue is one of forgiveness vs trust. Forgiveness is freely given, but trust must be earned. It is very difficult to mend a broken trust. Proverbs 18:19 states "A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city." Jesus Himself entrusted Him to no man because He knew what was in men.
Our Lord was made perfect through what He suffered, and if we want to truly follow Him, we will have to do the same. But I would be lying to say it is easy. It wouldn’t be suffering if it was easy. I sometimes grieve more for the Christian who stands in judgment of an offended brother in pain than for the one wrestling with forgiveness.
I am presently going through the most trying time in my life, having experienced some form of betrayal or pain in the last year at the hands of a former employee, my former pastor, a long time client, friends, my father and even my own children. And I know some reading this will automatically assume I must have done something to bring this on myself (Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?). While I am not perfect by any means, our Lord has continually reassured me that I have done nothing deserving of these events. But He doesn’t stop there and let me off the hook. He is giving me the privilege of identifying with His suffering. He has a greater purpose in all of this.
Do I still rehearse the events in my head? Does the pain still seem fresh these many months later? Do I need to talk this over in a healthy, non-gossiping manner with a few close friends who can help me and my wife through this? Yes to all of these. A real faith allows me to wrestle with this pain and, like Jesus, for the joy set before us, can endure the cross yet scorn its shame.
Thank you
Mark Marsden
Of course forgiveness is the only way: you don’t have to apologise for it. I don’t think I’ve forgiven anyone 70×7 yet. I’ve been hurt of course – but more worrying is I must have hurt other people (even with good intentions) more time than I’m aware.
Vengeance is God’s of course which means 1) it isn’t ours and 2) God will do it. Except mercy triumphs over judgment. As I hope will be my case if anyone ever claims vengeance for anything I’ve done or said. Although it is more likely in my case for what I’ve not done or said.
Mark
Thanks for posting that Bro.
It is just what I needed tonight.
mark
doormat
"Post and Run" Now that is funny.
I have a visual of you that makes me laugh out loud.
But the story about the pastor just wanting to help out the little boy is funnier.
Unforgiveness is a waste of energy, I agree. Our pastor dropped us inbetween a rock and a hard place with nowhere to turn at a time when I was already in a bad way. I am always tempted to go back into it all describing every incident (thanks to Jaime for all those adjectives) and hoping everyone will agree with me and someone will help me do something about it. I still think we deserve damages and an apology. I think the worse part is how much my children have lost and how cruelly my husband was treated. We are such nice people.
Anyway, thanks again. Maybe it will "take" this time.
Jaime
Cultural creep has turned into a full gallop; the victimization rampant throughout the secular world has invaded the father’s kingdom. The narrow focus on our own hurting and the justification of our behavior because of that hurt; is straight out of the Satan’s handbook. When we gaze upon our wounds we lose sight of Christs afflictions which he undertook for everyone of us. His wounds for our transgressions; none deserved, all reserved for each one of us. Can anyone who has a true relationship with Christ really say: That person hurt, betrayed, insulted, rejected, disappointed, disillusioned, berated, assaulted, angered, sullied, (and any other adjective you can place here) me and I am justified in my pain, hurting, disappointment, disillusionment, resentment, bitterness, (any other adjective you can think of). Wthout realizing that Christ has felt/feels those same emotions from our own actions!!? The truth is that quite likely we have been perpetrators of those very transgressions ourselves!! Wheter we know it or not!! My brothers and sisters do you not understand? Can you not see? The moment soneone hurts you, IS THE MOMENT THAT YOU CAN ALLOW CHRIST TO SHINE THROUGH YOU! That’s the whole point of being a Christian, i.e TO BE CHRIST LIKE! and not to react the same way a non-believer would react. If our actions are the same as the secular world then whats the point? Finally, We must be defined by our actions and reactions when we have been wronged, one of the Catholics prayers states: Forgive us our trespasses (Lord) as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lets bring our pain to Christ; then deliver compassion and forgiveness to our fellow man. Then we will become Chrst like. God Bless You
Jody
Dave,
I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog. My husband recently started a small fellowship consisting mostly of people who were either kicked out of a church or who were mistreated and decided to leave. It’s been a struggle for some to come to terms with the pain and grief of feeling let down. I can admit that when I left my previous church, I underwent a painful identity crisis that became an actual blessing! I know that people come along at different paces in the healing process, and I am not fully recovered, but I know that God loves me. That much never changed. His love truly is unconditional and I am so grateful. Anyway, i realized that the "offending parties" are actually hurting, too. They are constantly trying to measure up to a standard they cant’ possibly meet. They have been mistreated in the past by their leaders and those habits carried over. I have less anger about it now that I see it that way. It makes it easier to accept that they don’t mean to hurt people, it’s not their intention. But I can learn from their mistakes and move on. I’ve been blogging about this myself for a little while now. And it serves as a pleasant release!