The advent of social media has accentuated the difference between friends and friendships. I have hundreds of Facebook “friends” befriended with a click. It is easy to have friends who know what you like, listen to, and read. But it is hard work and risky to cultivate friendships with people who know who you are when the facade comes down.

Real friends are a treasure that we push way too far down the priority list. We sure think a lot about pursuing other treasures on our list. Too many of us don’t prioritize the importance of building real friendships. Honestly, when you have a real crisis, would you rather have a promotion or a pal you could lean on? When heartaches come, would you prefer an award or an ally to walk with you? 

In the grand scheme of life, you will have just a handful of real friends. Friends whom you can tell anything or say anything to and not be rejected. Friends who will drop everything when you need them. 

Joni and I have many friends and that is a blessing. But the “real” friend roll call is shorter. Relationships like that take time and investment. I believe you have to go through a variety of experiences together to really get to that next level of friendship. You don’t really know a person until you go through adversity with him or her. That is not something you can plan or force. Joni’s cancer journey thinned our friend “herd” a bit as we learned who was there when we were at our worst. But God brought others into our lives who were willing to be real and present.

There is something powerfully healing and affirming about having someone in your life with whom you can drop the pretense. Many of us harbor the secret fear that if our friends found out everything that was true about us they would drop us in horrified indignation and run for the hills. But what if that is one more lie from the Deceiver? What if we could develop relationships of trust and grace where exactly the opposite occurred? What if the revelation of the truth about us caused our friends to love us more? What if we trusted a few with who we really are? I know some of you might be checking out right now because you have been deeply hurt by someone you trusted who did not deserve that trust. I have been there.

God designed this journey of life to be lived in community. It’s the description of the early church. 

They joined with the other believers and devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, sharing in the Lord’s Supper and in prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together constantly and shared everything they had. They sold their possessions and shared the proceeds with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity—all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their group those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

We were created to be in a community with other believers. Because of our unity in Christ, we are to embrace those different from ourselves. That’s what makes a church dynamic to a person who experiences grace and acceptance for the first time. And that is why church can be devastating when the congregation becomes selective, judgmental, and legalistic. Anne Lamott shares a thought-provoking observation: “You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”

That is both an ouch and an amen statement. When differences result in judgment, what we thought was a safe place instead becomes the biggest betrayal of all. When we become “experienced” Christians, something seems to happen. We can lose touch with our former brokenness and sinfulness and desperate need to be forgiven and accepted. That is when the pretense begins that our holiness is based on performance instead of complete dependence on Christ. 

I know that finding and living in real community in our culture isn’t easy. I understand how easy it is to want to throw in the towel. The truth is that we need community, even if we’ve been hurt by bad relationships in the past. If you aren’t in a community of grace, it may be time to ask God to lead you to such a place. I know that can be daunting. It took me a long time to find such a place. It took me a longer time to realize how God was redeeming every hurt, every slight, and every trial. Eventually, I was able to see how He’d been preparing me, especially through those hard times, to embrace and welcome grace in a whole new way. That is best experienced in a community of fellow Jesus followers. I know it isn’t easy but it is definitely worth the effort.

This is an excerpt from Stay: Lessons My Dogs Taught Me about Life, Loss, and Grace. Looking for an unique Christmas gift? How about an autographed copy of Stay, Grunt the Runt, Waking Up Slowly, or Between the White Lines. All books ordered before December 15th at my online store will be autographed. Click here to order.

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