Real growth in relationships, faith, and maturity usually doesn’t just happen. It is so simple to blame circumstances or others for our mistakes. Rationalizations for wrong behaviors are frighteningly easy. 

“Officer, I didn’t mean to speed and break the law. I was just going with the flow of traffic.” Think about that. My defense is that everybody else is breaking the law. Therefore, I am innocent. 

Since the Garden if Eden the automatic answer to sin and shortcomings is that it is someone else’s fault. That may be true at times. But that thinking will never result in becoming like Jesus. So I have to be intentional about confronting my own heart. Change is hard. Sharing my need to change with others is even harder. 

Several years ago I took the risk to trust three men with everything about me. We call ourselves the Redwood Brothers based on a unique characteristic of California’s redwood trees. A redwood alone in a forest might look magnificent but the first strong wind could destroy it. You see, the coastal redwoods have shallow root systems and cannot survive a storm alone. Their roots extend over one hundred feet from the base but just broadening the root base is not what makes these beautiful trees capable of surviving the worst storms. They stand strong by intertwining their roots with the roots of other redwoods. The winds are now taking on an entire stand of trees and not a single redwood. No matter how majestic those trees might appear God designed them to need other trees to survive the storms. 

That is exactly how we are designed. That describes the relationship I have forged with the three other men who gather every year to share weaknesses, fears, and frustrations. We are men who desire to follow Christ faithfully and love our wives and families well. Yet we, too, can have shallow root systems, and we need the strength of one another as we go through strong winds and floods together. Sharing our imperfect journeys in a safe space has resulted in remarkable breakthroughs. We have experienced what my friend John Lynch wrote about in The Cure.

“What if there was a place so safe that the worst of me could be known, and I would discover that I would not be loved less, but more In the telling of it?” 

Dropping the pretense and engaging in real conversation about the difficulties of this journey with other honest wayfarers is a real way to become more like Jesus.

The need for church community is clear. But it’s even more important to look at what Jesus modeled. Jesus knew hundreds of people. He traveled with dozens. He sent out seventy. He discipled twelve. And He invested deeply in three. Jesus’ inner circle consisted of Peter, James, and John. He confided in these three men on a deeper and more profound level than any of the other disciples. I’ve found the same results in my own life. My greatest growth has taken place since I risked trusting a small group of men.

Legendary professor Howard Hendricks of Dallas Theological Seminary says that every man needs three different types of individuals in his life: a Paul, a Barnabas, and a Timothy. Paul is the older man who will mentor you and offer you his experience. It has been hard for me to find older men these days, but I have been blessed with several over the years. Timothy is the young man whom you build into. But it’s Barnabas whom I track with the most, aptly described by Hendricks.

A Barnabas is a soul brother, somebody who loves you but is not impressed by you. Somebody to whom you can be accountable. Somebody who’s willing to keep you honest, who’s willing to say, “Hey, man, you’re neglecting your wife, and don’t give me any guff!”

What a great description of a true friend. Someone who loves you but is not impressed with you. Believe me these men are not impressed with me. But they love me. They want the best for me. They tell me the truth because I trust them with me and I have given them permission to speak truth with grace. I keep emphasizing the grace part. That is how God desires our community to look. I can only receive real love from you to the extent that you know the truth about who I really am.

We all have blind spots in our hearts. I need a person who loves me enough to gently point them out. 

I hope you will find the courage to carefully trust someone with everything that is true about you. Maybe it starts with you being that person for someone else, to begin to see how it looks in practice. Finding a friend can be daunting. Being a friend is something that all of us can do. We need each other. I hope you take the risk to be known. I give the last word(s) to Paul and his message to the church on Colossae. Marinate in these thoughts today.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. 

Colosssians 3:10-16, NLT