For the most part I have learned to roll with the responses to my blogs and books. But I have to admit that some responses bug me. Recently I wrote an article on the Five Stages of Church Woundedness. The post was in response to correspondences with a pastor friend but the gist of the article was intensely personal. I dialed up Crosswalk and read this response from a reader.
Think! Has a truly innocent person ever ended up on the scrap heap? Do genuinely upright people ever lose out in the end? It’s my observation that those who plow evil and sow trouble reap evil and trouble. Job 4:7-8 (MsgB)
Do not assume that someone going through trials is at fault for their difficulties. And do not assume that they are not at fault. Allow God to handle both of those duties. Eliphaz proclaimed that it was his “observation” that you reap what you sow. That is a principle that is often true but we know from God’s Word that Job’s trials were unrelated to sin or evil in his life. Eliphaz jumped to an incorrect and hurtful conclusion before knowing the facts. Listen first. Allow wounded and hurting friends to express their frustration and pain. This goes against every natural instinct that most of us possess. I am prone to want to jump in and fix the problem. God is teaching me to listen, pray and allow the Holy Spirit to direct my words and actions.
When you are with a brother or sister going through deep trials I would suggest using any one of the following three strategies.
1. Be empathetic and listen.
2. Be empathetic and listen.
3. Be empathetic and listen.
I devised this strategy specifically for me because my previous program consisted of only one step.
1. Loosely hear a few sentences and then impatiently solve their problem with some vaguely appropriate verses while dramatically sharing my own personal story that far exceeds their puny little problem.
I can assure you that the results of that strategy were not stellar. In my defense, the three step plan above takes a lot more caring and work.
The next lesson from Eliphaz…
“So, what a blessing when God steps in and corrects you! Job 5:17 (MsgB)
I am pretty sure that Job was not quite at the “I’m thinkin’ what a blessing this is” phase of his ordeal. While he remained stubbornly faithful to the Lord and did not sin against Him, Job was angry, frustrated, bitter, bewildered and downcast about all the anguish he was going through. In other words, Job was human. His trust in God was supernatural, his roller coaster ride of emotions was normal.
The truth that God can use every circumstance for ultimate good is a foundational promise of our faith. However, it is often difficult if not impossible to understand that truth during the turbulence of the trial. When I fly I know intellectually that those big bumps and shudders are caused by disturbances in the air and I will surely survive it. But realistically I just want to get through the turbulence and back to smooth air. Then I can intellectually consider the aerodynamics of clear air turbulence. So it is with the turbulence of life.
Focus on being empathetic. You don’t need to offer answers and try to explain things that are often without explanation. Back to the question in the response to my article.
What’s the alternative to preaching grace anyway?
That is easy. Living it.
Angie_K
Dear Dave,
This article hits home with me. My husband and I were ministry leaders in our church. For whatever reason, I could guess but I really don’t know, our pastor’s wife took it upon herself to accuse us of doing things on our team that were outright lies and then lied to our team members about us.
After trying for months to resolve the issues with no results because no one believed us – we left our beloved church exhausted and betrayed.
As bad as that sounds it wasn’t as bad as what happened with our so-called “friends”. The ones that still talked to us, took it upon themselves to judge us and the situation they knew nothing about.
It seems like they had it backwards but were unwilling to listen to anything that we had to say. They were right – we were wrong. In their eyes it could be no other way. Well it was another way, whether anyone wanted to see it or believe it – it was.
As I read your entry I was reminded of that very hurtful time just a few years ago. The first place that the Lord lead us to in the bible was to Job. We thought it was for help with our trial – howbeit we suffered nothing like Job suffered.
But in the end, after reading Job through many many times and reading some helpful resources on Job we began to see how his “friends” had been very much like ours. Trying to offer answers to something that they know nothing about.
We’ve spent years trying to heal from the aftermath, not only from the incident itself but from the harsh and condemning words that our friends offered us. We weren’t looking for excuses or reasons or all the right answers. We just needed someone to care.
This was a good article and these are good words to live by: “Focus on being empathetic. You don’t need to offer answers and try to explain things that are often without explanation.”
Amen Dave – Amen.
Princess Warrior Carol
I appreciate your honest sharing. I can so relate. I look forward to exploring your site and reading your work. God bless you.
Patricia
Thank you so much for writing this article!!!!!!! I have heard so much judgment on people who are hurting from other Christians(and ocassionally from me too unfortunately) that I am just sick of it. For instance, just because someone appears to come from a loving home, has a lot of friends, etc…that life must be somehow “easier” for them without knowing that t hey could be struggling with a lot of physical, emotional or mental issues (due to a chemical imbalance and many other reasons) or that they only appear to come from a loving home or have a lot of friends while in fact they are going through some horrible things that we don’t even know about. I am still learning (albeit slowly) in my heart about grace.
Cheryl
It is a concept that is almost impossible for church people to grasp. I think it is natural to ask questions like that, Dave. I really do understand the Crosswalk commentor.
We take for granted that our pastors, pastor’s wives, and Christian friends will never betray or hurt us or take advantage of us. It is against the realm of reason really, like gravity stopping! It is against the natural order of things. That is the very reason I do not talk about what happened to me to anyone (except people like you) and the reason it took me so long to accept the painful truth of what happened to me too.
I planned to block it out and just forget it and never mention it to anyone and move on to a new church and to a new place and heal myself in private. Some things should be forgotten and that is what I planned to do. If that pastor had only left us alone and allowed us to move on, no one would have ever known about his extramarital affair and conspiracy to make me into his scapegoat and to steal from me to pay off the extortion money he was so desperately seeking. I never would have said anything to anyone, knowing that I would be the one who was considered suspicious.
I hope your pastor friend will heal. I wish him well. Thanks for your ministry to us.
I am going for a walk on the beach now so do not worry about me!
Angie
Dear Dave,
I am sorry for the times that I have acted like Eliphaz, but thanks to your influence (and hopefully just growing in grace), I think I’m learning to live grace not just preach it. I want anyone who reads this to know that you really do live what you write. Thank you for walking the road of grace with me and our friends. Still growing in grace . . .
Angie